My search for identity has been long and arduous. I have been many things, and I have been nothing. I have been somebody, and I have been a nobody.

Many years ago, yearning for a unified online handle, I went searching. My brother suggested the name drone-ah - a pun on Drona - the great teacher from Mahabharatha. He felt it fit my mentoring / coaching / guide aspect. He also felt it suited my highly logical outlook on life.

Someone I cared about, loved, saw me this way, and I wanted to accept that version. I liked the cleverness of the idea, and it felt true enough. I wanted to carry it through. I wanted to be this version that my brother saw. I tried.

It would take me many years before the accusation of lack of feeling on my part landed. It would take over a decade before anyone recognised the pun - a single time in nearly 20 years.

My relationship with my brother was often tenuous, and in hindsight, he saw a version of me that was only relevant to him. For most of my life, I thought it was an important and valuable version of me. In truth, it was a role I was thrust into, and not one I carried with as much ease as I had thought.

My life changed - my relationships changed, including with my brother. I changed. As my relationship with my brother, and the world changed, I realised the cost I was paying to keep carrying this version of me. Every time I saw the name, saw the profile picture, I felt a little bit heavier.

But it’s everywhere!

I’d had this handle for maybe 15 years. I used it everywhere. I did not even want to fathom the amount of time it would take to migrate everything. So I put it off. As each day passed though, I felt less and less connected to the name.

Eventually, one day, in a game, it asked me for a name - not an account name, just a character name. I chose heretical.

There was something about it I liked. After a while, thinking about the herculean task I had ahead of me, I remembered Heracles.

hereticles

It connected. It felt light. It felt like home.

There are moments in life where something resonates. It has happened to me a few times. One was the moment I met my now wife. I knew in that moment that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We were married two short months later.

Neither arrived when I was looking directly at them.

hereticles though was too long for a domain name. After much pondering I realised that her-at-icle-es was a version of the pronunciation of the name. icle.es was available. Sold!

A week or two later, I realised that by pure coincidence — icle in Malayalam, my original mother tongue, means “tickle”.

I keep finding new words and new meanings in the name. I’ll let you find your own ones.